Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Be still

Words cannot express how tired I am! Last week we had an extremely crazy week... so incredibly busy. By Friday my throat started hurting, and by Saturday I was swallowing handfulls of VitC. Fortunately I never really came down sick, but unfortunately I've still been fighting the common cold symptoms. Prasie God my children have only had a runny nose and nothing more. On the weeks when it seems like we go and go and go, I don't know how to slow us down. There wasn't much I could have done last week with out of town company, but I get tired of the busy-ness quickly. I'm thinking "Be still and know that I am God" and saying "I'm trying, I'm trying!" at the same time.

Yesterday the children and I rode up to Nashville with W. I've been needing to go shopping for a while now - and I seriously could not figure out when it was going to happen. I knew it was a crazy idea to shop for myself with both kids while he was in class, but like I said... it needed to happen and this was the only way I could think of. Sadly enough, it was more awful that I could have imagined. In one store I decided to put T-Pup in charge of feeding Sam some cheerios. You're thinking "no, she didn't..." and oh yes my friends, I did. I spent about 7 minutes retracing our steps picking up the Hansel and Gretel trail of cereal my children left behind - and feeling the crunch of it every other step. By the time they started screaming, I knew I should have just left - but honestly, I just wanted to get the shopping over with so I would not have to think about it anymore. I wish it were easier to spend money on myself... but that's another story for another day.

I say all of this to say this: there was a moment when they were both crying in a dressing room, and I wanted to cry myself. I had the thought "At this moment I resent motherhood!" I felt so bad after that thought... so selfish and ashamed. But I thought it nonetheless.

Be still and know that I am God. I'm trying... and He knows I'm trying. As much as I wanted to do something small for myself like buying some new clothes, I think it would have been better to have left the clothes, gone to the car, turned the AC on, nursed Sam, gave T-Pup some snacks, and taken a deep breath... but I chose the other.

Today is a new day though...

Monday, September 22, 2008

I'm fired...

No seemingly 'eloquent' thoughts today. Just a story from last night...

I told T-Pup to pick up a toy. He replied "No, you don't tell me what to do" (he did not yell or say it ugly, just matter-of-factly). I then calmly replied "Momma told you to pick up the toy. You do what Momma says because I am the Momma". He then popped a bit of an attitude, and I told him to go sit in the corner until his heart was right. As he marched over, he said "But I just don't want you to be my Momma anymore, I just want Daddy to be my Daddy."

I know as a child I said this phrase several times, as a teenager I said it a lot more, and that I would someday experience it as a parent.

Hmm. Guess the day has come and gone.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A Long Day

Yesterday just seemed to be one of those days. Don't hear me wrong, I'm not complaining - if anything I am overcome with joy that my daughter is healthy.

We had scheduled T-Pup's 3yr well check up, and the measuring of Sam's head in the same appointment. We noticed in April that her head was big, so they've been measuring it every two months since then. Also, she had an ultrasound in April to make sure there was no excess fluid buildup on her brain. At any rate, our appointment was at 10 am. T-Pup's checkup was great, although he did not perform perfectly on his eye exam. Sam's head was around 42mm in July, and yesterday it measured 49.5. It was a considerable jump. The doctor called a neurologist friend of his to see what she would recommend, and we spent a few hours waiting for her to call back. My poor kids were going stir crazy in that office... as was I. She eventually calls back around noon, and says to do a cat scan. I immediately start freaking out in my mind (and the tears are beginning to flow). I'm thinking the worst of worst possibilities. I then remembered something our pastor said while teaching on Revelation, about having a disciplined imagination. That helped. We go to the hospital (the admitting process was so simple, Praise God) and soon after I was laying her on the cat scan table. The nurses were amazing with T-Pup, giving him stickers and letting him watch from the control room. As the scan was beginning and I was holding her head, the flood gates of Heaven opened via my eyes. No parent ever wants to see their child going into one of those machines. Sam stopped crying as it started spinning like she was thinking "whoa, what's this?" and within seconds it was over.

The doc came back to the hospital to see us (this is why we drive an hour to him. He is by far one of our most favorite people in the world) and he went to talk to the pediatric radiologist. No cranial pressure, all of her ventricles are normal sized, something about something protruding. I looked at him and said "break it down, please" (definitely not referring to any possible dance moves) and he said "Michelle, she just has a big head. It's growing faster than her body, and her body will catch up. As long as she is on track developmentally, we're in good shape."

I should have fallen on my knees in praise at that moment, but for whatever reason I could only cry harder. Relief, I suppose? I walked the children to the car and took a few minutes for myself. It was after 2, and we hadn't had lunch, so we hit up Chick-Fil-A. T-Pup ate 8 nuggets, a fruit cup (minus the oranges... like you needed to know) and Sam ate a whole two nuggets and a few fries. It had been a long day and we had hungry bellies.

You know, this summer has impacted my walk with the Lord in a huge way. I feel like our relationship is being completely redefined. I said yesterday in the waiting room "God, I don't even feel like I know who you are anymore...." and when I said it, it literally shook me (worry not, we were the only ones in the waiting room). But I can tell you this: He is faithful. I walked through yesterday with two small children, my husband was 3 hours away, and for all practical reasons I should have felt absolutely vulnerable and terrified. This is how I know He was with me. His rod and His staff, they comfort me. Yeah I was emotional and I know I got some definite looks from people, but who cares. My daughter is healthy and I have a feeling even if she wasn't, He would still be faithful.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


I absolutely love the changing of the seasons. I especially love when the whisperings of fall come around. I look forward to fall more than any other season. It rained all day yesterday, and was overall kind of dreary, but still hot. Nonetheless, it got me thinking about fall - so I made a big pot of chili. I told W we needed to cut the AC way down so we could be cold while we ate the hot chili, haha. Anyway, this morning I am proud to say our AC is completely off. The windows are open. I have a delicious smelling mulled cider candle burning. And that chili, was perfect for lunch. I'm such a nerd, I know... I just love fall. I think I'm going to bake some banana bread muffins this afternoon to continue in celebration of fall... and catch some Auburn football.

This morning W took T-Pup to the Home Depot for the Kid's Workshop. This has been tradition in our house for the past 6 months the first Saturday of every month. Anyway, today they made this dude. Answer this for me - how do you teach a 3 year old to thump? He is getting frustrated and throwing the paper football through the goal. I'm sure it's frustrating, but it sure is funny to watch. I can't wait until he is big enough to actually play pop warner football.