Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Be still

Words cannot express how tired I am! Last week we had an extremely crazy week... so incredibly busy. By Friday my throat started hurting, and by Saturday I was swallowing handfulls of VitC. Fortunately I never really came down sick, but unfortunately I've still been fighting the common cold symptoms. Prasie God my children have only had a runny nose and nothing more. On the weeks when it seems like we go and go and go, I don't know how to slow us down. There wasn't much I could have done last week with out of town company, but I get tired of the busy-ness quickly. I'm thinking "Be still and know that I am God" and saying "I'm trying, I'm trying!" at the same time.

Yesterday the children and I rode up to Nashville with W. I've been needing to go shopping for a while now - and I seriously could not figure out when it was going to happen. I knew it was a crazy idea to shop for myself with both kids while he was in class, but like I said... it needed to happen and this was the only way I could think of. Sadly enough, it was more awful that I could have imagined. In one store I decided to put T-Pup in charge of feeding Sam some cheerios. You're thinking "no, she didn't..." and oh yes my friends, I did. I spent about 7 minutes retracing our steps picking up the Hansel and Gretel trail of cereal my children left behind - and feeling the crunch of it every other step. By the time they started screaming, I knew I should have just left - but honestly, I just wanted to get the shopping over with so I would not have to think about it anymore. I wish it were easier to spend money on myself... but that's another story for another day.

I say all of this to say this: there was a moment when they were both crying in a dressing room, and I wanted to cry myself. I had the thought "At this moment I resent motherhood!" I felt so bad after that thought... so selfish and ashamed. But I thought it nonetheless.

Be still and know that I am God. I'm trying... and He knows I'm trying. As much as I wanted to do something small for myself like buying some new clothes, I think it would have been better to have left the clothes, gone to the car, turned the AC on, nursed Sam, gave T-Pup some snacks, and taken a deep breath... but I chose the other.

Today is a new day though...